I can’t stop listening to Pink Floyd and I’m the most sober, goody goody I’ve ever been in my life.  I feel a little impaired when I’m listening to them though.  

I’m almost done with school.  I’m in the middle of my most hectic quarter ever.  I applied for dietetic internships, even though I’m not sure that I have the grades or experience to get one.  I applied to places that I thought nobody else would want to go, so I’d have a better shot of getting one.  If I get an internship, I’ll get to live in a different state for a little bit.  I’m stoked.  I’ve never lived outside WA.  

I’m having a hard day, feeling a little down.  I might call a friend.  I watched Whitney Houston’s funeral today.  It’s ok to feel sad when a celebrity dies.  Some douchebags on facebook correlated being sad about Whitney Houston’s death with not caring about troops.  Why do people take every opportunity to be assholes?  Maybe I’m sad about her death because she’s human and I’m human.  Maybe because it’s the first cassette tape I ever bought when I was young.  First Michael, now Whitney.  I believe in free speech 100%.  I also think it’s such a beautiful art to know when to shut the fuck up.  

Someone did a study (haha I can’t remember who, sorry to be so vague) about how Facebook makes people feel sad, like their lives are crappy, because people only use Facebook to brag.  I really want to stop checking Facebook.  It’s so toxic for me.  

It’s natural to have crushes.  I try not to be upset with myself for it.  I don’t want to have a crush on anyone though.  Ever since I quit antidepressants when I was 25, I’ve constantly had a crush on someone.  I feel like I deserve a break from crushes.  

I have so much homework to do, but I just feel like throwing it all out the window.  I want to quit eating sugary desserts tomorrow.  I have been binging lately and that’s not good.  I don’t restrict food;  I haven’t dieted except for when I weighed 200 lbs, but sugary desserts have always triggered binges in me and when I can take a step back from eating them I feel very free.  I can still look back on my life and see how much progress I’ve made.  No more smoking of any kind, no more drinking, just living like a nun.  I binge and purge less every year, although it is hard to fight the constant urges.     

Ok back to it.  Peace.  

Finally I start my last year in this hellhole known as school.  I have 16 credits fall quarter, 18 credits winter quarter, and 16 credits spring quarter.  The end can’t come soon enough.  I need to get motivated.  My 16 credits includes two very hard classes. 

I hate being shy, although I like other people who are shy.  I love being an introvert, but I hate being shy.  It’s useless.  I also hate having crushes on people, it takes up space in my mind that I need for school. 

Although we’re “liberated” now, I’ve read a million times that women are supposed to wait for the man to ask them out.  Men have a biological drive to go for what they want, so it’s better for the man to be motivated to ask the woman out. 

This would be ok, but I want to hang out with someone and he hasn’t asked me out.  What about my biological drive haha?  I feel like things would go better for me if I went for what I wanted. 

I don’t even care so much about what happens, I just want to be in his presence and soak up his positive energy. 

But I’ve been through this a million times and I know that I won’t because I’m too shy.  Shy and stubborn.  I just can’t bring myself to say, “Do you want to get coffee with me?  Do you want to go to this concert with me?”  I can do so much in life, but I can’t do that.  I can only make out and sleep with people that I don’t have real feelings for. 

And that’s the sadness I feel, nothing would have come from it anyway, but I’ll never know.  It’s the not knowing that bothers me. 

Ok this isn’t making me feel any better so I’m going to work on planning my research project.  We’re going to to make some type of baked good with quinoa and have a panel of judges taste it, and judge whether or not it’s acceptable.  A real food science research study, where we have to do a literature review, plan the methods, make the forms, make a poster, record and interpret the results.  Finally I get to be the scientist I’ve always dreamed and known I could be.  I don’t know whether to be terrified or ridiculously excited.  My procrastination is NOT going to fuck this up for me.